New Level Of Anarchy From The Rats At The Mall
The Age
Saturday August 25, 2007
YOU CAN TELL WHEN I disapprove of something, because I make a pronounced "tut-tut" noise. The noise has no variations and so cannot adjust for different degrees of disapproval. To an outsider, I appear as upset over Iraq's sectarian violence as I do when I walk into a toilet cubicle and the seat is wet. Maybe that's why everyone in Iraq is so angry. America deposed a dictator but forgot to clean the toilets. I also tut-tut pointless digressions.
What gets me tut-tutting like Skippy relaying a house fire are mall rats. Mall rats are kids who hang around shopping centres because they don't have hobbies such as soccer or chroming.My mother has worked in retail for more than 30 years (in preparation for a movie role - it's just the movie hasn't been written yet) and she says the behaviour of teenage goons is getting worse. At least that's what I think she said - she dropped the phone to yell something like: "Gregarious delinquents; please return with the cushion you accidentally acquired or I shall inform the nice security man of your honest mistake." Or swearing to that effect.Last week, I saw a pack of mall rats rearrange shop signs so they were outside the wrong stores. The scintillating commentary went something like this:Mall rat No. 1: "People who read that sign are totally going to think that store's a paint shop. But it's not. It's totally a book shop."Mall rat No. 2: "Totally."Mall rat No. 3: "Let's go do shit 'n' stuff."Mall rat No. 4: "Whatevs."Anarchy has hit a new level of lame.A growing number of American shopping centres are introducing curfews for children under 16. After a certain time, mall rats must be accompanied by a parent. If American suburbs are anything like some Australian suburbs, then enforcing such a rule could prove to be sensitive . . . Security guard: "I'm sorry, miss, are you accompanied by a parent?"Mall rat:: "I am a parent. Look, my kid is right . . . Jayson?!"Security guard: "In the mall, you should accompany your son at all times."Mall rat: "Whatevs."The US Bill of Rights stipulates that citizens have the right to congregate, but not "hang". Kids are furious at the decision, and are acting even more depressed and downtrodden than usual.I know what you're thinking: "Shouldn't mall rats be hunched over their computer like normal kids, posting pics of themselves for the edification of perverts?" Yes, but some perverts don't have computers, and rely on shopping centres to see giggling girls hugging and kissing each other in school uniforms.The move seems short-sighted and draconian. Mall rats spend all day loitering in public view. Let's put them to use. We should drape them in company sandwich boards, providing free advertising for local businesses. Of course, kids won't do it for nothing and should be paid in the cigarettes of their choice.Authorities say the new rule will curb shopping mall "incidents", and "incidents" are always bad. When have you ever heard, "There's been an incident", and it turned out to be someone giving away free ice-cream? One "incident" in the US, and this is true, involved a mall rat's handgun dropping from the second-floor railing. If the curfew was in place, the boy's gun would have instead been taken to school where it belongs. Thankfully, no one was harmed and the gun was returned without further "incident".Where else can mall rats go? They're too lazy for sport, too cool for clubs and parks aren't safe, what with all the gangs. Parents understandably see shopping centres as perfect teenage day-care centres, with security guards acting as a free nanny service. School-wagging mall rats insist that they are getting an education. You can't develop an answer to, "Shouldn't you be in school?" without some adeptness at existential musing.Teenage loiterers are the big consumers of tomorrow, and banning them from shopping centres could corrupt their relationship with capitalism. This would devastate the economy or, at the very least, really hurt its feelings. Also, if generations of mall rats relinquished materialism, they might find spiritual guidance elsewhere, like religion and, heaven forbid, preach door to door. Mall rats would go from bothering people down the street to bothering people in their homes. The mere prospect sends me into a furious tut-tutting frenzy.
© 2007 The Age